Wrestling with Resentment

I’m now sitting in the downtown LA jury assembly room and, embarrassingly, stewing in resentment. Never mind the civic duty mandated by our Constitution, I say to myself, I have far better uses of my time than to waste my day contributing to the sanctity of the justice system!

Which got me thinking about why I (and I’m sure others) love to gnaw on my own self-righteousness. What good does it do? It doesn’t really feel good in the long run- it takes up a tremendous amount of energy and doesn’t exactly resolve anything nor does it grant me peace. So why do I stew?  

For one, I notice it’s my strategy (albeit a poor one) for dealing with a lack of control over the situation. Consider it the Bargaining Stage of Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief- a natural human inclination to argue with the givens that upset us. By arguing with what is, I allow myself the illusion of control. Churning my anger and resentment makes me believe I’m “doing something.” It gives me a place to direct my sense of helplessness. 

Additionally, my resentment of others (today directed at the court system) conveniently keeps me from having to stop and take responsibility for myself. Responsibility-taking entails a level of adulting for which I’m not always in the mood.  It is work, gosh darn it, and it means having to take care of myself rather than have others do it for me. While admittedly I do get an initial adrenaline buzz from self-righteousness, it ultimately poisons me like eating too much junk food or watching excessive amounts of reality TV (though I must say- I do adore chocolate and Survivor).  

When my inner adult kicks in, what do I do instead? I allow myself a good 20 minutes to go at it and resent away. Then I tell my inner teenager “that’s enough” and pivot to take charge of my own feelings. So today I allowed myself to be annoyed for a wee bit- because let’s face it, jury duty is super annoying- and then I chose to surrender to the situation, did a mindful meditation to calm myself down, and napped. Eventually I decided to make the most of my waiting time by catching up on emails, reading, and writing this blog. In short, I focused on what I do in fact have control over and decided not to expend too much energy and yucky feelings on resentment over what I can’t control. And then there is that civic duty thing…

Stay tuned for my next post on resentment in which I’ll explore How not to Resent your Partner. 

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Brain Overload Part Three: Overcoming Negativity

Why is it that if ten wonderful things happen to you in a day and one very annoying thing also happens the same day, you are more likely to remember the one and not the ten? It’s because as a member of the human race you have a natural negativity bias.  

As Rick Hanson says, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive experiences,” meaning it quickly registers negative things but glosses over the positive. This may seem like faulty design, but actually makes sense if you consider the evolution of our species: It was much more important to our survival to avoid an approaching tiger than the marvel at a rainbow.  

Thankfully we have the power to rewire this negativity. Neuroscientists like to say, “as neurons fire together they wire together.” If we think negative thoughts our brain will only strengthen this negativity. We therefore need to make a mindful point to do a “positivity brain workout” to do the opposite. How do we do this?

1)   Pay attention to small joys 

We need first to pay attention to the small joys in life wherever we find them and not take them for granted. Everyone can find a small joy in life despite whatever else is happening. When you find yourself head-bopping to a song, take it in. When you see something beautiful, make a point of noticing the beauty. When a stranger smiles at you, appreciate the connection.

2)   The 30 second rule

It’s not enough however to just notice. In order to strengthen the synapses in the brain for positivity, you have to encode the positive thoughts, or they will be forgotten. Negative inputs and fantastic inputs will encode immediately, however ordinary positive inputs require longer to encode on the brain. Hanson suggests spending 10-30 seconds thinking about positive moments in order to fully encode the small joys.  

3)   Gratitude Cubed

Once the positive experience has had a chance to imprint, we can reinforce the positive brain connections by consolidating them with gratitude lists. It’s the opposite of negative rumination (which our negative brains are more apt to do). At some point daily, make a mental, written or recorded list of what you are grateful for. Don’t just list things off by rote. Really think of three things from that particular day that you were grateful for and take each in for a full 10-30 seconds and feel it in your body. In addition to consolidating the small joys of the day, this practice also orients you to pay attention to moments of joy each day.

How do you combat negativity? Share tips about what works for you. 

Photo by Pixabay.com

The Overloaded Brain Part Two: How to Calm an Exploding Brain in 5 Minutes

Last post I looked at the phenomenon of the exploding brain. Here is what to do if you recognize your brain is overloaded and emotionally hijacked.

1)   First notice and name: Make a point of paying attention to the signs of brain explosion (can’t find your words, yelling, heart racing, muscle tension, etc.) so you become aware it is happening. Then note to yourself “my brain is not working.” This action will create space between your observant brain and the emotion and will slow things down.

2)   Hit Pause: Don’t try to “figure things out” in that moment. Your brain is flooded and can’t access logical thought, so you’ll just end up more frustrated and overwhelmed. I often tell couples “don’t talk to an exploding brain”- if either brain is exploding, nothing will be resolved. If an argument is spiraling down, stop talking- you will only dig a deeper hole by continuing with a brain that isn’t functioning correctly. Wait until your brain has come back online before trying to be logical. 

3)   Calm your nervous system: Now that you’ve pressed the pause button, it’s time to attend to your nervous system so that your thinking brain can come back online. How do we do that? Here are two things to try that take just a few minutes: 

a.    Grounding: Being in our heads makes us more anxious so move the center of gravity down to your body. If seated, feel your feet on the floor and your body being supported by gravity. Notice all the points of contact with your body (eg. bottom on seat cushion, back on back cushion, hands on lap). Focus your attention for 15 seconds making contact with each and sense into where you feel it the most.

b.    Breathing Meditation: Without changing your breath, notice where you feel yourself inhale and exhale- nose, throat, chest, or belly. Follow the inhale and exhale by repeating to yourself “inhale/exhale.” Repeat for a few minutes. When you get distracted, return to the breath.

I’ve seen couples and individuals get themselves out of many pickles using these techniques. Let me know if you’ve tried these or other ways to calm your exploding brain- what works for you?  

In my next post, I’ll talk about how to turn around negativity in the overloaded brain.

Photo by Simon Migaj from Pexels

When Mindfulness Pays Off: Notes From a Tennis Champ

I don’t really consider myself to be a sports fan. But don’t try to talk to me during the four fortnights a year that comprise the weeks of grand slam tennis. What is it about those events that I find so stirring? I’m a sucker for stories of the human condition and following grand slam tennis is like being involved in an epic Russian novel. It has it all- sometimes contained in a single match- the drama of athletes alone on the court battling it out under great pressure: the unpredictably shifting fates of easy wins and grueling losses, the hope and despair, the loneliness of the battle and the connection with the capricious crowds. I admire the mental toughness that separates the champions from the merely great.

This past US Open, I marveled at many such athletes but especially at the 19 year-old women’s champion Bianca Andreescu. A year prior, Andreescu was battling back injury, ranked 152nd in the world and did not even qualify for the US Open. She then came back and not only qualified but beat Serena Williams, the greatest champion of all time, to clinch the title. How does she do it? To be sure she has enormous natural talents, an extraordinary work ethic, and a great team supporting her. But the most impressive aspect is her mental toughness under pressure, which is crucial for all elite athletes, but for singles tennis in particular. 

Andreescu has been very public about the importance of her mental training and about having a mindful meditation practice since the age of 12. In a press conference she was coy about her particular methods (not wanting to reveal trade secrets!) but did let leak one I found interesting. She stated that starting a few years ago she began the practice of writing a check to herself for the amount of the championship purse ($3.85 million for 2019). What a bold visualization!

Not to suggest that if I write myself a check for 4 mil it will suddenly appear, but Andreescu is onto something. Many are talented in various ways and work hard. But what makes a champion is the ability to maintain focus despite loss, injury, crowds turning against you, etc. and still come back and win. Keeping calm with a daily mindful meditation practice and razor-sharp eye on her goals helped Andreescu beat the odds and win.

I would love to hear from you- when you have a goal, what helps you keep your eyes on the prize?

Photo by Sudan Ouyang on Unsplash