Coping with 10 Common Emotional Reactions to the Pandemic

Rounding the second month of the Covid-19 quarantine can feel a lot like Groundhog Day.  I personally can’t wait until face masks and the term “social distancing” become as passé as “Y2K”. Unlike Y2K, however, the realities of the pandemic will persist until science fixes it. In the meantime, we need to find ways to navigate the kaleidoscope of emotional reactions that arise during this challenging and complicated time. Our emotions can shift as rapidly as government directives and will also vary depending on the givens of our particular situations and the psychological lens through which we view our world. That said, many of my clients share the following. 

1)   Anxiety and Loss of Sleep: The tremendous uncertainty that we all face regarding what our world will look like in the coming months can createa sense of hopelessness and worry about the future. Some may experience panic attacks, while others feel a background buzzing of fear that can lead to feeling on edge or to difficulty sleeping. Try this: Since fear is focused on a future over which you have no control, do your best to stay as present-focused as possible. Focus on a plan for today and how you feel in the moment. Try these mindful practices to help calm your nervous system. Avoid news, social media, and negative friends who activate your fears. 

2)   Grief and Depression: The pandemic has brought tremendous loss: of life, of livelihoods, of our usual lifestyle. People are absorbing the gravity of what is happening to human-kind in general and to their own self and loved-ones. Everyone is having to adjust quickly to tremendous change. Try this: Grief is the recognition of actual loss and tends to pass through in time. Depression adds another dimension by creating more meaning or worry around the loss and, left unchecked, tends to persist. Acknowledge the grief without adding additional meaning, then focus on finding moments of joy, connection and gratitude. Remember that change is a constant of life, and ways you and others have successfully adapted to change in the past. Consider the many examples of inventiveness, resourcefulness, creativity, and humanity that have emerged from others during the pandemic.

3)   Anger, Resentment and Irritability: As people grow increasingly weary, it’s natural to feel on edge and irritable and wanting to find someone to blame. Living in close quarters may try your patience with your family. It’s also easy to resent those who you perceive have it easier than you and don’t understand what you’re going through. Try this: Recognize that these emotions are outgrowths of anxiety, grief and depression. Have compassion for the feelings, pause, and tend to the underlying emotions. 

4)   Feelings of Isolation: Even people living with others are experiencing feelings of isolation since they are limited in their social interactions. Try this: Keep yourself occupied (see Boredom below). Connect with people outside of your household even if you can’t in person. Think of how you are connected to others; remembering that this is a shared world-wide experience helps connect us. 

5)   Boredom: For those who do not have enough to occupy them, it can be difficult to fill the days and the boredom can become intense.  Try this:  Try to adopt a beginner’s mind in seeing each day as a new adventure. Switch up your routines to add some variation; reach out to someone with whom you’ve lost touch; find opportunities to be of service; reconnect to hobbies and joys from earlier in life.   

6)   Overwhelm and Helplessness: While some are battling boredom, others are overwhelmed with too much to do (work, caring for and home-schooling children). Others can feel a sense of overwhelm and helplessness over the enormity of what is happening. Try this: If you are called upon to do too much, accept that you can’t do everything. Accept not being able to operate at 100% and take breaks wherever possible. Focus on what you can control such as staying safe, staying present, and being in gratitude.

7)   Exhaustion and Lack of Motivation: Whether people are busy at home or not, many feel exhausted and lacking in motivation. Anxiety, grief, uncertainty and complications of daily life take up a lot of psychic energy and is exhausting, especially if sleep is impacted. Priorities shift. Try this: Know that these are natural feelings and don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t be over-ambitious - take it easy, and nurture yourself.  

8)   Shame: Shame can arise when people judge their own reactions as aberrant. This includes introverts and homebodies not hating the quarantine, and people feeling like they should be accomplishing more projects during the quarantine. Try this:Accept that everyone’s experience is different and don’t judge how you feel or act. Enjoy what works for you and at the end of each day congratulate yourself for getting through another day relatively intact. 

9)   Taking Stock: The pandemic is raising existential awareness and making people more reflective about life, relationships, career etc. Try this: Taking stock is an invitation to create wanted change. While you may not be motivated to take big steps now towards change, keep track of reveries you may have for the future. These will be good to turn to when you are poised for change. In the meantime, practice gratitude for what is working in your life. 

10) Life Interruptus: Whatever plans people had for 2020, the pandemic created a hard vinyl scratch as life as we knew it came to a screeching halt. If things were already difficult, they have become more so. If life was going well or looking hopeful, the rug has been pulled out from under you and supplied disappointments and grief. Try this: Life can be difficult at times and will often throw curve balls- this is just one of many. Our task as humans is to learn how to adapt when things suddenly change. Remember this is happening to everyone so don’t take it personally. Remind yourself of your resiliency and ability to bounce back. Take it one day at a time and remember this too shall pass. 

If you are looking for more tips and support, please visit my resources page. 

Image by Katie White from Pixabay 

Are you Defective or Just Different?

Have you ever felt defective because of your different sensibilities or the way your brain works? Recently I’ve noticed many of my patients have erroneously judged themselves as stupid, lazy, unsociable, overly sensitive, or deeply flawed, simply because they hadn’t understood their brain differences. 

What differences am I referring to here? Some of the most widely misunderstood by my patients are: learning differences (dyslexia, processing differences), attention challenges (ADHD), non-linear thinking, introversion, and being a highly sensitive or an empath.  In short, having different skillsets than what was seen and valued at home and in school. 

Children whose differences are not seen or appreciated often become adults who consider themselves wrong, faulty, or less than. For example, a child with an undiagnosed learning or neural difference who had difficulty performing in a typical classroom may judge herself stupid or lazy, or worse, have been told so by teachers and parents. This negative self-judgement may then endure in adulthood as they try to work within systems that are still not suited to them. When they don’t succeed in that environment, it reinforces the thinking of how defective they are.  

Similarly, Highly Sensitive People and Introverts may feel flawed if their differences are misunderstood and underappreciated. Highly sensitives often feel overstimulated. If they were told as children that they were “too sensitive” for crying easily or if they startled easily at loud noises, they may become adults who feel “wrong” for being so sensitive. In a world increasingly geared towards extroverts (e.g. social media, open office plans), introverts can feel not right for this world. Introverted and/or Highly Sensitive adults often fight against their true natures to try to be more extroverted and less sensitive, which only makes them feel more miserable and outcast. (To read more on this, I recommend Quiet by Susan Cain and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron).

What can be done? Most people tend to focus on what they aren’t instead of who they are. Instead of assessing how you are “supposed to be” to match the sensibilities of 2020 America, take a good unapologetic look at who you in fact are- your sensibilities, your talents, and what comes easily to you. Celebrate who you are and work with the talents you have rather than testing the skills you lack. Do you learn better with audio or kinesthetically rather than reading? Do you require a quieter environment? Are you more of an artistic creative rather than linear academic? 

Work with your strengths and appreciate how you need to move through the world. Then surround yourself with situations, environments and people who appreciate your particular gifts. See who you are, appreciate who you are and find those who will reflect that back. Adapt your world to be one in which you not only fit in but are celebrated. Instead of trying to fit into situations that don’t suit you, seek out situations in which you feel a greater sense of belonging.

Photo by João Jesus from Pexels

Dealing with Life's Disappointments

Years ago, I read a compilation of six-word memoirs for which the editors Rachel Fershleiser and Larry Smith asked writers and others to summarize their life story in six words. What would your six-word memoir be? Mine would be lifted from the book’s pithy title: Not Quite What I Was Planning. 

Life can be described in many ways but rarely is it predictable. If we are fortunate enough to take a good number of tours around the sun, we will see life unfold in ways we could never have foreseen. Yet so many suffer when life doesn’t turn out as they had planned, expected, or hoped. So often people in my office find themselves stuck with this discrepancy, arguing with the givens, trying to change the past, and bargaining with the way life has unfolded so far. 

This is where I find that perfect six-word memoir serves as a helpful reminder. In youth, if all goes well (and even when it does not), it’s possible to imagine a limitless fabulous life for our future selves. Once a person reaches middle age, if not earlier, life has knocked us around some and invariably has handed us disappointments along the way.  If we manage the developmental task of digesting life’s disappointments, we are free to now make the most of the life we have rather than the life we once dreamed of. If not, you may find yourself in an existential crisis asking “is this all there is?”

How then, do we manage life’s disappointments?

• Don’t take the unpredictability of life personally. Realize that most people don’t live the life they planned for, hoped for, or expected.

• Mourn your disappointments fully so they are integrated into your being and life story.

• Find ways to adjust to the new normal. Try not to get drawn into thinking how your life “should” have been, based on the dreams of your younger self or a comparison to other lives that seem more attractive. Instead, fully embrace the life you have and endeavor to make it more satisfying in attainable ways. 

• Realize that just because you have suffered disappointments, or life isn’t quiet what you’d thought it would be, doesn’t mean that life can’t be grand. 

If we adjust our expectations to come to terms with the fact that yes, this is life, even if not quite what I was planning, then we are more free to enjoy the life we in fact have. 

Image by Jake Heckey from Pixabay 

How to not Resent Your Partner

Bravo to Michelle Obama for destigmatizing couples counseling by sharing her experiences with Barak in her memoir Becoming.  She describes a process in which the therapist posed questions that made them “think hard about why we felt the way we felt” and helped them to separate “our weapons from our wounds.” Needless to say, it sounds like they had a good couple’s therapist because that describes how good couple’s therapy should go!

In her memoir she gives a lovely example of how she dealt with her resentment when Barak became more involved in politics and had less time to be home with the family. She shares how she grew resentful when he would be able to have time for his workouts when she didn’t, and how she would resent having the family eat dinner late when he came home late from work. As she describes it, “I began to see how I’d been stoking the most negative parts of myself caught up in the notion that everything was unfair and then assiduously, like a Harvard-trained lawyer, collecting evidence to feed that hypothesis.” 

I share this example because it illustrates such a common dynamic in couples counseling. One is injured and can double-down in self-righteousness and resentment because the evidence of injury does in fact exist if we look for it. But as I shared in my last post on wrestling with resentment, what good does this do other than to give us justification for not having to take responsibility for our own feelings? It is even trickier to take responsibility when there is someone there (your partner) so conveniently available to blame. 

But let’s see what Michelle learned to do in couple’s therapy. She goes on to share, “I now tried out a new hypothesis. It was possible that I was more in charge of my own happiness than I was allowing myself to be.” Mic drop. Instead of continuing to stew in resentment, she chose to take responsibility for her own happiness rather than make Barak responsible for it. From this realization, she was able to take action on her own behalf and also to communicate that to her husband. So, instead of spending energy resenting Barak’s workouts, she started planning her own workouts by asking her mother to watch the kids while she worked out. Instead of wondering if he’d make it home for dinner, she kept a regular dinnertime for the family- and let him know that if he came home late, he would miss dinner with the family. 

To sum up, what does this example show about how not to resent your partner?   

1)   Notice the wound vs the weapon (wound= feeling unfair, weapon= gathering evidence and stewing in resentment)

2)   Take responsibility for your own feelings (realizing she had more control over her happiness than she thought)

3)   Shift from resentment to self-care (arranging time for herself by finding solutions for childcare; setting boundaries around dinner time).

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Wrestling with Resentment

I’m now sitting in the downtown LA jury assembly room and, embarrassingly, stewing in resentment. Never mind the civic duty mandated by our Constitution, I say to myself, I have far better uses of my time than to waste my day contributing to the sanctity of the justice system!

Which got me thinking about why I (and I’m sure others) love to gnaw on my own self-righteousness. What good does it do? It doesn’t really feel good in the long run- it takes up a tremendous amount of energy and doesn’t exactly resolve anything nor does it grant me peace. So why do I stew?  

For one, I notice it’s my strategy (albeit a poor one) for dealing with a lack of control over the situation. Consider it the Bargaining Stage of Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief- a natural human inclination to argue with the givens that upset us. By arguing with what is, I allow myself the illusion of control. Churning my anger and resentment makes me believe I’m “doing something.” It gives me a place to direct my sense of helplessness. 

Additionally, my resentment of others (today directed at the court system) conveniently keeps me from having to stop and take responsibility for myself. Responsibility-taking entails a level of adulting for which I’m not always in the mood.  It is work, gosh darn it, and it means having to take care of myself rather than have others do it for me. While admittedly I do get an initial adrenaline buzz from self-righteousness, it ultimately poisons me like eating too much junk food or watching excessive amounts of reality TV (though I must say- I do adore chocolate and Survivor).  

When my inner adult kicks in, what do I do instead? I allow myself a good 20 minutes to go at it and resent away. Then I tell my inner teenager “that’s enough” and pivot to take charge of my own feelings. So today I allowed myself to be annoyed for a wee bit- because let’s face it, jury duty is super annoying- and then I chose to surrender to the situation, did a mindful meditation to calm myself down, and napped. Eventually I decided to make the most of my waiting time by catching up on emails, reading, and writing this blog. In short, I focused on what I do in fact have control over and decided not to expend too much energy and yucky feelings on resentment over what I can’t control. And then there is that civic duty thing…

Stay tuned for my next post on resentment in which I’ll explore How not to Resent your Partner. 

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Creating an Emotional Survival Kit

Here in Southern California, where earthquakes rattle our homes and the arrival of fall brings brown clouds and the smell of smoke, we live in a culture of disaster preparedness. We are accustomed to having at least a mental list, if not an actual backpack ready, of essentials to grab in case of need for sudden evacuation. When it comes to common emotional challenges, however, many of us find ourselves unprepared.

In a moment of crisis, panic, or depression, it’s hard to figure out how to cope because often the thinking brain shuts down. It’s a good idea, then, to have our emotional survival kit at the ready: a pre-planned list of ways to resource ourselves when the need arises.

How to Create an Emotional Survival Kit:

1. External Resources: Make a list of the people who most support you tangibly and emotionally. Likely it’s not one person for all things- some people are good cheerleaders, some are good problem-solvers, some will distract with laughter, some can pick up the kids, and some know when to just listen and give you a hug. List all the people who are helpful in these various ways- friends, family, colleagues, coaches, therapists, etc.

2. Internal Resources: Make a list of all the things that you know help calm your nervous system if you are anxious or bring joy if depressed. For example,

a. Make a playlist of music that makes you feel good when sad, powerful when you feel weak.

b. Write a list of simple pleasures that can shift your mood: walking in nature, calling a friend, reading a book, drawing/singing/dancing, lighting a candle, watching a movie, taking a bath, etc.

c. Take photos of images you find restorative or calming.

d. List quick physical actions that calm you: muscle relaxation, mindful meditation, grounding, breathing exercises, visualizations.

Compile these lists somewhere where it’s easily accessible so you can remember to draw on them when needed. I find that in emotional crisis, people often forget to use tools that they already have identified because their brains are not working appropriately. Keep a list on your phone or use an App that you can refer back to.

Remember next time you are having a moment- you’ve got this!

Photo credit: https://spencergurley.myportfolio.com/photography?ref=pexels

Brain Overload Part Three: Overcoming Negativity

Why is it that if ten wonderful things happen to you in a day and one very annoying thing also happens the same day, you are more likely to remember the one and not the ten? It’s because as a member of the human race you have a natural negativity bias.  

As Rick Hanson says, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive experiences,” meaning it quickly registers negative things but glosses over the positive. This may seem like faulty design, but actually makes sense if you consider the evolution of our species: It was much more important to our survival to avoid an approaching tiger than the marvel at a rainbow.  

Thankfully we have the power to rewire this negativity. Neuroscientists like to say, “as neurons fire together they wire together.” If we think negative thoughts our brain will only strengthen this negativity. We therefore need to make a mindful point to do a “positivity brain workout” to do the opposite. How do we do this?

1)   Pay attention to small joys 

We need first to pay attention to the small joys in life wherever we find them and not take them for granted. Everyone can find a small joy in life despite whatever else is happening. When you find yourself head-bopping to a song, take it in. When you see something beautiful, make a point of noticing the beauty. When a stranger smiles at you, appreciate the connection.

2)   The 30 second rule

It’s not enough however to just notice. In order to strengthen the synapses in the brain for positivity, you have to encode the positive thoughts, or they will be forgotten. Negative inputs and fantastic inputs will encode immediately, however ordinary positive inputs require longer to encode on the brain. Hanson suggests spending 10-30 seconds thinking about positive moments in order to fully encode the small joys.  

3)   Gratitude Cubed

Once the positive experience has had a chance to imprint, we can reinforce the positive brain connections by consolidating them with gratitude lists. It’s the opposite of negative rumination (which our negative brains are more apt to do). At some point daily, make a mental, written or recorded list of what you are grateful for. Don’t just list things off by rote. Really think of three things from that particular day that you were grateful for and take each in for a full 10-30 seconds and feel it in your body. In addition to consolidating the small joys of the day, this practice also orients you to pay attention to moments of joy each day.

How do you combat negativity? Share tips about what works for you. 

Photo by Pixabay.com

The Overloaded Brain Part Two: How to Calm an Exploding Brain in 5 Minutes

Last post I looked at the phenomenon of the exploding brain. Here is what to do if you recognize your brain is overloaded and emotionally hijacked.

1)   First notice and name: Make a point of paying attention to the signs of brain explosion (can’t find your words, yelling, heart racing, muscle tension, etc.) so you become aware it is happening. Then note to yourself “my brain is not working.” This action will create space between your observant brain and the emotion and will slow things down.

2)   Hit Pause: Don’t try to “figure things out” in that moment. Your brain is flooded and can’t access logical thought, so you’ll just end up more frustrated and overwhelmed. I often tell couples “don’t talk to an exploding brain”- if either brain is exploding, nothing will be resolved. If an argument is spiraling down, stop talking- you will only dig a deeper hole by continuing with a brain that isn’t functioning correctly. Wait until your brain has come back online before trying to be logical. 

3)   Calm your nervous system: Now that you’ve pressed the pause button, it’s time to attend to your nervous system so that your thinking brain can come back online. How do we do that? Here are two things to try that take just a few minutes: 

a.    Grounding: Being in our heads makes us more anxious so move the center of gravity down to your body. If seated, feel your feet on the floor and your body being supported by gravity. Notice all the points of contact with your body (eg. bottom on seat cushion, back on back cushion, hands on lap). Focus your attention for 15 seconds making contact with each and sense into where you feel it the most.

b.    Breathing Meditation: Without changing your breath, notice where you feel yourself inhale and exhale- nose, throat, chest, or belly. Follow the inhale and exhale by repeating to yourself “inhale/exhale.” Repeat for a few minutes. When you get distracted, return to the breath.

I’ve seen couples and individuals get themselves out of many pickles using these techniques. Let me know if you’ve tried these or other ways to calm your exploding brain- what works for you?  

In my next post, I’ll talk about how to turn around negativity in the overloaded brain.

Photo by Simon Migaj from Pexels

How to Deal with Brain Overload Part One: The Exploding Brain

Have you ever felt like your brain is overactive but not in a good way? Brain overload has become such a fact of today’s fast-paced lives, yet we can often feel like the only ones not handling it. In this series on the overloaded brain I delve into a few key elements for understanding and managing our often-unwieldy brains. 

What is the Exploding Brain?

One fine day you’re humming along functioning seemingly well when boom- all of a sudden- something or someone sets you off and your brain forgets its operating instructions. Your brain:    

• shuts down and freezes; or

• can’t think straight or form a coherent sentence; or

• feels out of control and overwhelmed; or

• is blinded by anger. 

I call this moment a brain explosion. This can be very frustrating and sometimes make us feel like we are going crazy. It can be a helpless feeling because the brain that normally is able to get us out of a jam can’t now because, well, it’s exploding- offline- kaput.

Where Did My Brain Go?

It’s important to keep in mind that this is a common human occurrence and not usually the sign of something going severely wrong. Our brains can take a great deal of annoyance. But there is a degree to which we can all become so triggered that the emotional brain takes over and floods our thinking brain, hijacking its ability to fully function, like a computer that’s had coffee spilled over its motherboard. Take heart- you’re likely not going crazy, your brain is just (temporarily) exploding. 

Noticing an exploding brain and bringing in compassion to what is happening is the first step in managing brain overload. I’ll be sharing in my next post some tips on how to calm your exploding brain in just a few minutes. 

Let me know- have you ever experienced a brain explosion that you couldn’t think your way out of? What did you do that helped?

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When Mindfulness Pays Off: Notes From a Tennis Champ

I don’t really consider myself to be a sports fan. But don’t try to talk to me during the four fortnights a year that comprise the weeks of grand slam tennis. What is it about those events that I find so stirring? I’m a sucker for stories of the human condition and following grand slam tennis is like being involved in an epic Russian novel. It has it all- sometimes contained in a single match- the drama of athletes alone on the court battling it out under great pressure: the unpredictably shifting fates of easy wins and grueling losses, the hope and despair, the loneliness of the battle and the connection with the capricious crowds. I admire the mental toughness that separates the champions from the merely great.

This past US Open, I marveled at many such athletes but especially at the 19 year-old women’s champion Bianca Andreescu. A year prior, Andreescu was battling back injury, ranked 152nd in the world and did not even qualify for the US Open. She then came back and not only qualified but beat Serena Williams, the greatest champion of all time, to clinch the title. How does she do it? To be sure she has enormous natural talents, an extraordinary work ethic, and a great team supporting her. But the most impressive aspect is her mental toughness under pressure, which is crucial for all elite athletes, but for singles tennis in particular. 

Andreescu has been very public about the importance of her mental training and about having a mindful meditation practice since the age of 12. In a press conference she was coy about her particular methods (not wanting to reveal trade secrets!) but did let leak one I found interesting. She stated that starting a few years ago she began the practice of writing a check to herself for the amount of the championship purse ($3.85 million for 2019). What a bold visualization!

Not to suggest that if I write myself a check for 4 mil it will suddenly appear, but Andreescu is onto something. Many are talented in various ways and work hard. But what makes a champion is the ability to maintain focus despite loss, injury, crowds turning against you, etc. and still come back and win. Keeping calm with a daily mindful meditation practice and razor-sharp eye on her goals helped Andreescu beat the odds and win.

I would love to hear from you- when you have a goal, what helps you keep your eyes on the prize?

Photo by Sudan Ouyang on Unsplash